Friday, December 10, 2010


Ive been really busy trying to get my business up and going. *im a makeup artist*
And now we're trying to get through the VA to find out if he has TBI.
we've been to roseburg and portland endless times now. *one hour to roseburg, two hours to portland*
MRI's, EGG's...*lol egg's looks funny*, but neways....
They need to find out if he is having seizures in his sleep.
Going to these appointments has been having an affect on me.
He talks to me more about "over there".
Im starting to having really violent dreams.
There is so much going on and im exhausted.
OH....I also cut the tip of my finger off the other day. Im ok, its ok, but it sucks.
Car broke down...$1,800.00 out the door.
Life's been .....different.
But either way...we putt along.
I have a Creative Photoshoot tomorrow in salem.
*should be good*
I dont know if he's getting better.
He's been talking anti-depressents for awhile now.
He says they're working.
Im too tired to tell.

Thanks to my 1 and only follower!

I gotta go, the kid is up...

......Fear & Loathing in Oregon.......

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Sleepless Nights...

He jolts from sleep, staring into the dead of night. Trying to see through the blackness.
He's drench in sweat and breathing heavily.

He's there.

Scanning the perimeter, checking his points.
Then he spots me.
Pure fear floods his face.
Wide eyed and scared.

He's there.

I reach my hand out to touch his shoulder and he jerks back from me.
Pulling the covers over his mouth, then nose. He looked frightened. He looked terrified.

He's there.

It was 12:00am.
It took me 3 mins to talk him back.
Back to reality, back to life.
Longest 3 mins of my life.

I was asked to write a letter to the VA for my husbands file. So i am going over things that have happened since he came home. So there will be lots of little random events. Where's the man i married? Sometimes it feels like he never came home.

~Fear & Loathing in Oregon~

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Im tired and no one seems to care...

*Note from author: I have very dark humor. I am blunt and honest*

SO, this is my first post. I would love to sit back and start from the beginning, but i can't. I have no time. I am barely able to squeeze this out. But i can start with today. Its a small piece of this messy pie.

So today i realize that we haven't received paper work about getting health care for our daughter. *side note: We are applying for free state health care because can not afford it and the military took ours away* So i call and the woman is very pissed off because her boss had to talk to her and now here i am getting the butt of the punishment again. She says my husband was supposed to write a letter about school and money. I explain to her that I'm sorry and will write it asap. In the mean time, my husband is in the background yelling "That Bitch LOST IT! I WROTE that!" So I'm trying to calm him down, the baby is screaming, and now the woman over the phone is now yelling at me "I NEVER RECEIVED ANYTHING! I TOLD HIM......"

*Breath*Breath*Eyes Closed*Breath*

OK OK!! I get everyone worked out and back to earth.
Off the phone now and I'm trying to get some numbers from my husband.
Me: "How much was last semester?"
Husband: "Just tell her $2,000, we used all the GI Bill"
Me: "Babe, we cant just give them made up numbers, we spend the money the numbers are there"
Husband *looking stressed and teary eyed*"FINE"
Grumbling at the computer finally gets the numbers.
Yes we spend all of the GI bill on school and then some.

I work this all out and deal with the situation.
We are currently living with my grandmother. Which is a whole other basket of blogs. But after the whole phone fiasco, grandma trips over the pumpkins and falls. She was ok, but JESUS CHRIST! Give me a break here!

Sometimes, i really feels like i am going to have a heart attack or a brain aneurysm. But i couldn't be so lucky to get out of this shit that easy.

Life has been different since my husband came home in 2008. He was deployed to AFG for 13 months. I knew he was different, but as time went on, things got worse. He gets angry a the drop of a hat. Very OCD. Very forgetful. *sigh* Not the man i married. We've been married 5 years, he was in the military 6 years. Ive been there first hand to witness and experience all of the changes that have taken place. Sometimes i feel lost and hopeless. But i know theres already one person in the household doing this, so i cant. Must keep going. I was never in the military, but was with him through almost all of it and feel that i my self sometimes served. Who do you think keep those men going for so long. we do.

He was medically discharged Oct 2009. But i still feel like I'm living the military life. Keep going, don't stop, keep em in line, hold down the fort, don't show feelings, be strong, be strong, be strong. Fuck. After 6 years+ of this, its had to shake. But i keep going, trying to keep my family together. My husband was sent to the VA PSYC ward 2 weeks ago. spent four days there. He was wanting to kill him self. Ive been there, done that, and its selfish to even say these things. SO! I sent his ass to the VA and they committed him. He read 4 books by the Dali Lama, but that was the extent of the help. He got out and its back to the same ol' bullshit. But now, I'm beginning to become the reason for the "problems".

Yesterday, the Internet was slow, so he disconnected the cord. I couldn't find the cord to plug it back in and asked him for help *which he offered* He cant find it either, starts yanking and pulling on all the wires, cussing up a nice storm. "SNAP" he ripped the phone cord in half. *not and easy feat i might add*
Me: "I'll go buy a new phone right back"
He made it seem like i slowed the net down, I'm the one who lost the cord, and I'm the one who broke it.

Everyday theres something. Some sort of outburst or temper tantrum.
He was diagnosed with PTSD in Sep 2010. We are working on a diagnosis for TBI, but its slow going. Yes, my husband its having a really hard time, but you know whats really shitty? So am I. But i don't have health care, i don't get group meetings, i don't get jack shit! I'm the one who cares for this man...what happens when my steam runs out?

The VA is only open 5 days a week, 7-5pm, I'm opening 24 hours 7 days a weeks...I've been running this way for over 6 years...I'm tired.

But my head is starting to hurt and I'm tired. I'm going to this the first blog like this. I'm all over the place, but this is my life. there will be plenty of fun future and past stories to come.
 Thanks for reading~
 Ms. Kati D
Fear & Loathing in Oregon